Insanity Breeds Love? (Damn Jashinist)
by Varmint
Summary: The five times Hidan made Ibiki wonder just how in the world someone could be so insane. And the one time that… Well… He showed off that he was even more insane than Ibiki had thought possible. One-shot! Rare pair! Hidan/Ibiki. Unrequited romance/One-sided because Hidan's insane.


_Summary:_ The five times Hidan made Ibiki wonder just how in the world someone could be so insane. And the one time that… Well… He showed off that he was even more insane than Ibiki had thought possible.

~..~..~

 _ **1.**_

Hidan of Yugakure was a dangerous adversary. He was a mad man that enjoyed death and destruction much more than he could ever possibly like life. He found beauty in the pain of others and refused to understand just why it was that causing others so much pain was such a horrible thing.

Ibiki had been considered to be the right man to capture him.

Although he'd been captured on two different occasions and tortured to the point that his mind had been left fractured and broken, he was a strong man that understood the human mind much better than many others. He was also expendable enough with his unique set of skills that it wouldn't be _too large_ a blow on Konoha if he died. If they had sent the other man that had been perfect for this mission because of his understanding of the insane mind and he had been killed; not only would Konoha be affected, but his Clan would have been as well.

They had been locked in battle for hours now. Neither man had been prepared to give any ground. Ibiki had been cautious and had not been overly eager to try and gain an advantage over the insane man out of a fear of a possible trap being sprung on him. Hidan, though, had undoubtedly registered the lack of eagerness to overpower him and decided that Ibiki was not to be trusted, because he was not using his usual, overly violent, and much too eager fighting style.

Both men had been wounded but left mostly safe… Until Ibiki had managed to catch Hidan and trap him within his Iron Maiden Summoning Technique.

"Come on, fucker! Do it!"

Ibiki panted heavily, arms tensed and heavy in front of him as he glared at the dangerous immortal.

"I don't enjoy resorting to this technique." Ibiki called out, frowning at the other man. "The pain you experience is the one I feel… It is not a visually pleasing jutsu. But it has a unique type of beauty that cannot be forgotten- it allows us to experience the same pain."

"What? No fucking way! Seriously?!"

The excitement within Hidan's voice was palpable and left Ibiki stunned.

"Uh… Why are you so-"

"Holy fuck! You're beautiful! Let me go, I don't want to kill you anymore! No one in this world knows about this jutsu but fully fledged Jashinist Priests- so you must be like me!"

Ibiki had literally _no idea_ what the man was talking about.

Jashinist Priest? Him? How? _Why_?

The man was so caught off guard by what the Jashinist was saying that he wasn't able to stay concentrated enough to keep the jutsu strong. Hidan burst free from the Iron Maiden in what seemed like a flash, and Ibiki knew that his end was near.

Imagine his surprise when pale lips forced themselves onto his own scarred pair.

~/~

Hidan managed to escape after the forced kiss. But before he had managed to leave, he had huskily whispered into Ibiki's ear, "Only Jashin's true emissaries know of that jutsu. We were made for each other, interrogator. You _will_ be mine."

Ibiki had felt a mix of terror and disbelief he'd never felt in his life before. His heart had jumped into his throat, seeing how he suddenly realized: _Holy shit, a psychopath's got the hots for me._

The Jashinist had managed to escape after that and Ibiki had been forced to face a huge failure and a worrying future.

Still, on his mission report, he'd omitted the whole 'Jashinist emissaries' bit out of a worry of being judged by his fellow interrogators. Instead, he detailed everything else that had happened- the process of tracking Hidan down, the fighting that ensued, and the subsequent escape through odd and unusual blabbering meant to distract and confuse. But he did not say anything about the whole 'Being made for each other' thing Hidan had said. Because he knew that if he _had_ said such a thing, then he would be put under unnecessary scrutiny- he had just recently been cleared for out of village action, he didn't need this insane Jashinist screwing things up for him.

* * *

 ** _2._**

Besides, everything went well for the next few months after he'd failed to capture Hidan.

It was when the mad man appeared in his life once again that things started to get weird.

He had been inside of his apartment when everything began to go wrong.

The day had been sunny and beautiful. In all honesty, it had been a strangely _nice_ day. There had been no need for him to enter T&I, so he had been able to take a day off for himself- which didn't really happen much now that Lord Yamanaka insisted that he was the best candidate to prepare for the position he wished to vacate in the coming years. And it had been such a good day that he had been able to catch up on a book he had wanted to read for a couple of years now.

He should have known something would go wrong. He should have, yet he had not doubted. Instead, he had merely rejoiced in the quiet day he had been offered.

As he busied himself by cleaning his kitchen after he had eaten his lunch, a chill forced itself into him and caused him to shudder.

Something was off.

Ibiki's eyes narrowed and he immediately began to scan around his apartment for a chakra signature that did not belong to him. He was accustomed to Anko barreling into his apartment whenever she became bored and she never closed the door behind her, which allowed a cold chill to enter his usually warm apartment. So it would make sense to assume that the insane woman had disabled his traps and broken into his apartment yet again.

But the signature he found was not Anko's… Although it _was_ familiar.

Ibiki allowed three seconds to tick by before he made a move.

When he noticed that the man that had broken in would not act yet, he rushed to grab a hold of the butcher's knife he kept hanging above his stove for whenever he decided to buy a specific cut of meat so he could deal with it himself.

His hand's journey was interrupted by a pale hand wrapping around his wrist and forcing it down to slam against his kitchen's counter.

Hot breath tickled the back of his neck as another hand snaked its way from the middle of his spine all the way to his left hip.

"I finally found you. Do you have any idea how fucking hard it was to find you?" The voice that rumbled against his back was proud, somewhat annoyed, and more than a just a tiny bit unhinged.

 _Hidan_.

What was he doing in here?

Ibiki grit his teeth as he noticed the horrible situation he found himself in. He was completely defenseless and at the mercy of one of the most insane people to ever have lived. He couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to be caught so unaware!

The hand on his hip began to wheedle its way between his shirt and his pants and _that_ was when Ibiki decided to try _something_ to get the unhinged missing-nin to move.

"What in the world do you think you're doing?" He hissed as he moved his left hand to slap the man's own, only to make the grip on his right hand tighten. "Do you have any idea how _unbelievably stupid_ it is for you to break into my home?"

"It's not when Lord Jashin is on my side." The insane man sounded as if he were smirking like a cat that had managed to catch the canary it had been chasing. "You and I are made for each other, Morino. You may not see it now. But that's the only explanation."

Explanation to what, _exactly_ , Ibiki did not want to find out.

"Let go of me." He growled back, turning his head to glare at the silver haired psychopath. "I don't care what you're raving on about. I have to bring you in. And you just handed me your head on a silver platter."

"That's what you think, Ibiki. But you're _so_ fucking wrong it's adorable."

The left hand that had been at his hip left him and grabbed his chin with much more force than Hidan really needed to exert. And that hand forced Ibiki's head to stay in place as Hidan brought their lips together once again. This time, though, the kiss was much longer; much too passionate, even; than the first one Hidan had stolen.

"Lord Jashin made us meet for a reason." Hidan whispered against his lips, all the while Ibiki glared at him and prepared to lash out with his left hand. "And it's because you're made for me."

"You fuc-"

Ibiki was cut off when Hidan crashed his lips into his own. This kiss was violent and possessive, Hidan's mouth dominating him in a manner Ibiki found himself _loathing_.

He lifted his hand to try and push him away, only to find Hidan's hand leaving his chin to force his hand back down.

If it hadn't been for Anko barging into his apartment like Ibiki had first theorized… Well, Ibiki certainly didn't want to think about what might have happened.

"Oi! Get away from my Biki!"

" _You're_ Biki?! Bitch, he's _mine_!"

Hidan used a smoke bomb to disappear, though, instead of fighting like Ibiki had expected of him, and left Ibiki with a deathly angered glare on his face and a red faced Anko behind.

~/~

He wound up having to explain the situation to both the Hokage and Lord Yamanaka to not wind up under investigation for possible affiliations with a missing-nin with terrorist tendencies.

It had been awkward. And horrible. And Ibiki wanted to do nothing more than shove his fist so far down Hidan's mouth that he would be able to pull that _horrible_ tongue out so he'd never have to hear his cocky words ever again.

* * *

 _ **3.**_

The Hokage and Lord Yamanaka had both agreed, though, that it was worrying how Hidan seemed to have targeted Ibiki; especially because he had managed to find his home and even learn his whole name. So they assigned ANBU to comb over the Village every single day for the following few months to make sure that the Jashinist found no possible manner to catch Ibiki unaware.

After six months of this, Ibiki was allowed to leave on a mission outside of the Village.

They should have known this would have been when Hidan would strike.

He was working on capturing an elusive Konoha-born criminal that had managed to escape from Tsume and Hiashi's grip by stunning Shibi's insects.

The kunoichi-turned-missing-nin had ties with a terrorist cell from the Land of Fire that wanted to bring Konoha down so that they would no longer be the strongest Hidden Village. Because she had turncoats at her disposal, she had somehow managed to use a poison that had paralyzed all of the Aburame's insects and had killed off more than half of his hive.

Tsume and Hiashi had been livid. They had wanted to help Ibiki track the traitor down so they could watch her suffer at his hands. Luckily enough, the Hokage had not allowed them to be part of the mission. Instead, Ibiki had been sent with two of the village's more impressive, but non-clan affiliated trackers.

It was safer to use those that weren't related to any of the affected clan head's clan members for the mission. If not, they actually risked jeopardizing the mission. And that was not something Konoha really could afford at the moment. Not with a woman that could debilitate Aburame clan members without any difficulty on the loose.

The tracking had taken them far from Konoha, close to the Land of Wind's border. It was much too close to that area for comfort; Suna and Konoha were still not on the best of terms, even though negotiations were taking place to truly solidify their alliance.

As they had followed after the traitor's trail, Ibiki had felt a sense of dread creep onto him.

The first person he thought of was Hidan, for the chill that took over him reminded him of the very one that grabbed him when the madman had broken into his apartment and forced kisses upon him.

But he shrugged that feeling off- there had been sightings of the psychopath in the Land of Snow, far from Konoha. He merely attributed the chill to worry over the safety of his teammates during the mission because this missing-nin was dangerous and had allies that would have undoubtedly set traps up to help her escape.

"There! I see her!"

Ni pointed with one gloved finger towards their right, making Ibiki immediately halt in his running so he could catch a glimpse of the elusive woman. Among the vibrant greens of the tree canopies, he was able to find a stream of red as it vanished from sight.

They had found their target.

"Alright. Let's go. Ichi, Ni, stick to the plan. I'm not in need of any casualties."

The siblings nodded with determined light within their eyes. Ibiki smirked at them, then nodded in turn and took lead of the formation. He was a big man that would undoubtedly take up all of their target's attention. The twins were smaller, built for tracking and speed rather than fighting, so they would remain hidden until the perfect time to strike and use their jutsu to finally apprehend the criminal.

Their plans were dashed before they had even been allowed to set them in motion.

A blood curdling scream seemed to shake the trees, only for deranged and much too giddy laughter to follow it.

Ibiki's blood ran cold.

He knew that laugh.

Frowning, he instructed the twins to stay hidden and not allow themselves to be seen; he would go ahead and see just what in the world was going on.

When he reached a rather large tree, he was able to look down and see just what it was that had happened.

A much too familiar head of silver hair rested on top of inhuman opaque black and bone white skin. Below that body, there was the bloodied mess of the red haired kunoichi they had been sent to retrieve. And below them both, on the ground, Ibiki could see the bloodied remains of a Jashinist symbol.

"Morino-Love! Were you able to see that?" Hidan called out amidst a bout of giggles, "I got her for you! And; better yet; I even kept your wonderful hands from having to work too hard! Lord Jashin made you for me! And I'm not about to let _anyone_ touch you!'

Ibiki frowned as Hidan then began to go on a rather long explanation about what he had done to capture the 'heathen-bitch without a grain of pride in her shriveled husk of a slut's body'.

Apparently, there had been traps laid out all around this area. The traitor's associates had laid them all out to be able to seriously harm the party that would be sent after her capture. But Hidan had been tracking her group's movements for a long time, so he was able to disable all of the traps the previous night to make sure that none would be able to hurt Ibiki.

He made a point of saying that he had not wanted Ibiki to get harmed. Which meant that he had not given a rat's ass over his teammates' well being. Just that of the large interrogator.

"I'm going to go take care of that shitty excuse for a terrorist group now!" Hidan smiled brightly- a deranged sneer with a mere curve at the edge of his lips. "I'll make sure to leave our Lord's signature on them so you know it was me!"

He took off running after that.

Ibiki didn't even bother looking over the traitor's body… Hidden by Hidan's body, he was able to see nothing more than red hair and crimson blood that mixed together much too perfectly; it was almost seamless, one could not tell where one began and the other ended. Now, though, he could see that the destruction wreaked upon the woman was unbelievable, absolutely grotesque, and violent… Especially considering how Hidan's body seemed to not have a single scratch upon it.

From his knowledge of the mad man's preferred killing method, Ibiki knew that he usually walked away as scathed as his targets, although he was able to heal. It was odd for him to have walked away with barely a scratch.

When he returned to the twins, it was for two pairs of identical brown eyes to look at him in confusion.

"We heard." Ni muttered, arms crossed over her chest.

"Who was that?" Ichi questioned and Ibiki shook his head with a heavy sigh.

"A headache… Let's go."

"But, what about our target?"'

"It's not pretty."

The twins looked at each other, then over in the direction of the body. "We should at least burn her. That way no one can search her body or anything." Ichi mumbled quietly, only for Ni to nod in return.

Ibiki could see the logic behind this decision. But he was much too preoccupied with the fact that _Hidan_ had just promised to destroy a group of terrorists that he had no real reason to _want to kill_ other than for Ibiki. So he allowed the twins to go.

They were both tokujo; experts in tracking. They could handle the sight.

~/~

This time around, Ibiki didn't hold back on the details of the mission. He told the Hokage and Lord Yamanaka everything that had transpired throughout the mission. And he put detailed emphasis on Hidan's actions and his words.

Both of his superiors had frowned in both stupefaction and deeply ingrained worry.

"Just what does he gain from taking them on?" Lord Yamanaka questioned, "He has no reason to be attacking this group other than pure insanity."

With a concerned frown, the Hokage nodded slowly, "No, he has a reason… In his twisted mind, he believes this will earn him Ibiki's favor."

Ibiki had groaned without even trying to stop it. He could not believe that this was what his life had become.

"Then… What are we to do? We can't send Ibiki out on missions knowing that that madman is eager to get his claws on him."

"What we do best, Lord Yamanaka. Protect our own."

Ibiki had not liked the sound of that.

* * *

 _ **4.**_

For the general public that didn't know of classified intricacies, Ibiki had received the high position of Head of T&I after only a handful of years working for Inoichi Yamanaka because the man had been amazed with his strong work ethic and unshakable loyalty.

The real reason, though, was to give Ibiki a stable job that would excuse him from having to leave the Village too often. Being the Head of the Torture and Intelligence Force of Konoha, he would have the power to send people out on the missions he would normally have been assigned to. And this ensured that Hidan would not be able to sneak up on him during one of his missions and finally make his final move on him.

Some had whined and grouched about the rather fast promotion- Ibiki had only just been allowed to work actively as a shinobi less than a decade ago after a rather big hiccup because of the torture he had been subjected to. But Inoichi had the excuse of wanting to raise his daughter as a reason for leaving his position behind. Besides, it was no big secret that Ibiki had always been the favorite to be the heir to Inoichi's job. He may have gotten it much quicker than either him or Lord Yamanaka had planned, but it was not the great insult on other members of T&I that it could have been if Ibiki had been anybody else.

As the Head of this Division, Ibiki dealt with a lot more than he had in the past. Paperwork was the bulk of his work load, only challenged by trying to wrangle up all of the tokujo jounin under his command. Anko was an especially feisty adversary, even though they had been friends for years.

Because of all of this work, he was only ever called to interrogate the truly dangerous or tight lipped of the enemy ninja they captured.

So… If that was his usual load of work… Why in the world was he overseeing this interrogation?

"Anko-" He began in a sigh, prepared to remind the woman of all of the paperwork he needed to complete today. But she merely shushed him and nudged the enemy ninja sat on the table.

Normally, Anko would have those she interrogated chained up to the wall in the cells. And she would have annoying music blasting. She was the kind that preferred cruel and unusual torture methods that only _she_ would ever be able to think of.

"Come on. Tell him." She told the man, although her voice didn't have her usual bite. If anything, she sounded rather tickled. Which was _never_ a good sign when it came to her. "Tell him what you told me."

The blue haired individual- a man from Kiri, he believed, and most probably a defector- gulped audibly. His pale eyes shifted from the table to Ibiki and finally to Anko. Then he sighed and began, "Hidan sends his regards."

The Kiri man's voice was hoarse, most probably from all of the screaming he had done because of Anko's methods.

Ibiki looked over his exposed arms, taking in the vast expanse of scarred skin. Most of the scars were old and spoke of quite the career as a ninja. But some were rather recent… Just like a couple of scabbed over injuries.

Those had not been done by Anko. They were much too old to have possibly be given to him by the woman.

"Hidan?" Ibiki questioned with an unamused sigh, "Anko, I have work to do."

"Just listen to him, Biki!"

The man sighed but stayed put so he could hear the rest of the ninja's message.

"Hidan wants you to know that… uh…" The man swallowed once again, looking away from both Konoha interrogators. "He knows you're a big shot now, so you won't be able to have… This is so humiliating…" He lamented, but shook his head and soon continued, "You won't be able to go out on dates outside anymore. But that won't stop him. He'll find a way to get to you. Until he sees you, though, he'll keep on sending love letters through missing-nin he captures for you."

Ibiki kept a straight face, even though he was screaming internally.

 _Love letters_?

This was not a letter. This was a human being. One which- even though Ibiki was sure had done his fair share of horrendous crimes- had been captured by Hidan and undoubtedly tortured to be able to recite this message. And then he had been given to his forces to be able to interrogate.

"Who captured this man?" He asked through gritted teeth, only for Anko to huff.

"No one. He was found by the Village Gates when the shifts changed, wrapped up with- get this, Biki- _ribbons_. There was a nice bow on top of his back."

There was a quirk to the corner of her lips that told Ibiki she was amused by the situation. But Ibiki found himself most definitely _not_ amused by what had happened.

~/~

He had informed the Hokage of what had happened. Lord Yamanaka had not been told by him, seeing how he had been busy at the moment helping his wife with an illness she had taken while simultaneously taking care of their daughter.

The Third Hokage's face had been unreadable once Ibiki had finished explaining the situation. He had puffed at his pipe and kept his eyes closed in thought. Then he had breathed out and opened his eyes to level Ibiki with a dark look.

"I will have some of my personal guard watch over you at night. During the day, you are to never be alone. This maniac seems to be serious and his obsession is absolutely disturbing."

Ibiki had not argued, even though he had not liked the idea of being watched over by the Hokage's personal ANBU.

Admittedly, he was rather freaked out by Hidan and his insistence over his obsession with him.

* * *

 _ **5.**_

Ibiki rushed through the halls of the hospital without a single care about who he may have barreled over in his run. He couldn't spare a single care at the moment, not with the person that Hidan had forced into the hospital.

When he reached the room, it was to find Inoichi surrounded by his family and friends.

He schooled his features to try and keep from letting them know how terrified he was to find out what had happened to his mentor.

"Ah, Ibiki. You finally showed up. I've got a message for you."

Inoichi, Ibiki noted with chagrin, was much too chipper to be the one that was on the hospital bed.

The man's six year old daughter glared down at him, undoubtedly thinking the same about her father.

"If you would please," The blonde turned to his wife, "I would like some time alone with Ibiki."

Shikaku sighed and looked at Inoichi with a glare that clearly said 'this is not over yet'. Choza, though, merely shook his head and turned to walk away. Inoichi's wife smiled sadly over at Ibiki, told Ino to come with her, and walked out. Ibiki stepped out of the way to allow them all to pass, then entered when they had left.

"Close the door, please."

Ibiki did as told then walked up to Inoichi's side.

Looking him over, the blonde didn't look as if he had any horrible wounds. But he was mostly covered up in those horrible white sheets from the hospital and Ibiki wasn't sure if those were there to conceal anything. Aside from that, though, Inoichi looked extremely pale and his lips had a purplish hue to them.

"I had a run in with your not-so-secret admirer." The blonde began, immediately making Ibiki frown. "But I'm sure you already know that, so I won't bother you with the small details."

Ibiki wanted to smack sense into the Yamanaka. He really did. But he wasn't allowed to tell Inoichi just how stupid he was being at the moment before the older male was talking once again.

"Hidan seems to know that you learned many of your skills from me, even though I was not your teacher when you were a genin. Apart from that, he seems to think that you see me as an extremely important person that you're close to- which is the reason why he didn't wound me. He just suffocated me until I passed out."

"Inoichi! You can't possibly-"

"Let me finish, Morino." Inoichi shushed in a calm sigh, "He seems like he genuinely doesn't want to harm you." The man's voice took on a thoughtful tone now, undoubtedly making his own inferences over observations he'd made, "Besides, he reminded me about all of the aid he's given Konoha in the past few years; ever since you became Head of T&I."

Ibiki knew that the Torture and Interrogation Division had been able to break previous years' records of most successful interrogations. But that had been because of a glut of missing-nin that Hidan had sent with messages of admiration or enamoration for Ibiki. Aside from that, not many were eager to defect or even try and attack Konoha, seeing how there was a white devil that now protected and defended Konoha's walls.

Just how Hidan had managed to create such a reputation for himself without ever being caught by ANBU or their best trackers, Ibiki would never be able to understand.

"He wanted me to tell you that he'll be able to visit you. Not yet, he still has to perfect his strategy. But when he does, he wants you to know that he'll be more than excited to finally be able to go on that date with you."

Ibiki groaned loudly and allowed his head to fall into his hands.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do.

He didn't want to have ANBU follow him every second of every day. And he certainly didn't want to move away from his apartment just to stay in a more secure place.

But if Hidan believed that he was close to perfecting his strategy for getting past Ibiki's defenses…

"What am I going to do?"

Inoichi hummed for a while in thought, then shrugged, "I say you let him get to you."

" _What_?"

"You heard me." Inoichi looked over at him, seemingly unfazed by the death glare Ibiki was sending his way. "Ibiki, Hidan is obsessed with you. But he hasn't really ever done anything against Konoha other than being a missing-nin from Yugakure. If anything, he has helped us by capturing so many threats to our Village and even helped point out some of the weaknesses within our defenses." The man crossed his arms over his chest and Ibiki was able to see that, even though they were pale, there were no marks on them. "He's not right in the head. He's violent and volatile. But for over a decade now, he's done nothing but help Konoha. I think that you should talk to him." Now he offered a small smile at Ibiki, "Who knows? Maybe if you ask nicely, he'll even turn himself in."

The look Ibiki sent Inoichi was serious and deadpan enough to make the man shrivel. It was just minutely, but Ibiki found himself proud of having gotten a reaction out of his old teacher.

"You're just as crazy as him."

~/~

Ibiki still sought council from the Hokage and his closest friends.

The Hokage believed that, possibly, a confrontation between the two may just finally cause them to reach some sort of conclusion. Hopefully, one where Ibiki would not be harmed and Hidan would be apprehended. If not, then he would just be content to finally be able to not worry over Ibiki's safety whenever he went on out of Village missions.

Anko found the whole situation hilarious and said that she was preparing the wedding.

And Kotetsu and Izumo just wanted him to move in with them so they could make sure that they were around to protect him when Hidan came around.

* * *

 _ **+1**_

When Ibiki entered his home, he knew that Hidan was inside.

The chill that had come over him all those years ago returned and his instincts told him to get away as soon as possible so he could look for protection and safety. But he forced his instincts into the back of his mind, more than aware that this time he wasn't alone- there were ANBU stationed all along his apartment complex and his team was housed within the different apartments.

Even though they had allowed Hidan to enter, they would not be letting him harm Ibiki.

He was able to take a good two steps into his apartment. But that was all. He suddenly found himself being slammed against his wall, his back forced to stay in place as two strong hands pinned his arms to his sides.

Hidan had not changed at all. The way he looked now was exactly what he had looked like during their first encounter. The only difference was that his wardrobe had changed slightly, seeing how he now wore black pants, an actual shirt, and a jacket with a fur lined hood attached to it.

"Finally."

For once, Hidan wasn't screaming like a maniac. Instead, he whispered, voice bordering on a tender tone as his eyes searched Ibiki's own.

The interrogator wasn't completely sure if this was a good or bad thing.

It was now that he was able to actually get a good look at the man and not have to fight him off that Ibiki was able to see that he was a rather short man. He had always known that Hidan was shorter than him. But now that they stood toe to toe without a pressing battle forcing them into action, Ibiki could see that Hidan was actually an extremely short person.

"You got all of my letters, right? I had a bit of trouble getting some of the messengers to relay their messages correctly, but those that were too troublesome were sacrificed to Lord Jashin."

Ibiki could safely say that hearing this made his heart stutter. Hidan talked so recklessly over the killing of people… It was worrying.

Still, he nodded stiffly but did not say anything.

Hidan's face broke out into a purely pleased smile. "I know you'd get them! They were pretty great gifts, right? I know that most of those bastards were people you were looking for; I decided to hand them over to help you out. I'm nice like that."

Ibiki swallowed the disgust that rose up within him, cleared his throat, and nodded once more, "I received them." He felt like an idiot for restating what Hidan had asked, but still forged ahead, "But, Hidan… _Why_ did you… _Gift_ ," the mere use of the word made his stomach twist- he may have been an interrogator, but he had never taken pleasure in other's pain. "them to me?"

"Courting presents, of course."

Once he'd finished saying this, Hidan began to _nuzzle_ his nose into Ibiki's neck.

The man had to force himself to not shudder in disgust at the feeling and bit back the growl he wanted to release.

"Do you truly think that I would ever want anything with you?"

"Lord Jashin made you for me! Of course you'd want something with me!"

This Lord Jashin spiel… Ibiki didn't understand it. He had no idea how a mad man could ever possibly think that he would ever be able to have _anything_ \- he didn't even want to think just what that anything may have meant- with the Head of the Torture and Interrogation Force of Konoha. But, now that he put it into those words, this was a _mad man_. Hidan was insane and unhinged; nothing he did had any true way of being understood by those that weren't within his mind.

Taking in a gulp of breath, Ibiki leveled Hidan with a monotonous and stony look.

Hidan continued to smile, though, like an excited pup that was about to receive his bone.

"I have no need-"

"I'll do anything to be able to have you! Come on, Biki-Baby! I just want to love you."

Ibiki felt his eyebrow twitch at the nickname- it seemed that this man always had something new to call him whenever they met.

He didn't need this in his life.

But Hidan was an incessant gnat that caused his whole Village confusion and worry. He had never made a move against Konoha, yes, but he was an S-Ranked missing-nin with a kill list as long as the worst of them. Even though everything he had done after he had met Ibiki had been for the (Ibiki was reluctant to admit this, even more so voice it out loud) good of the Village, he was still an insane man that could not be trusted.

"Anything?"

"Anything!"

This situation was unbelievably childish. Hidan was like an excited puppy that wanted to please its master but had no idea how to do it other than through violence and death. The sparkle in his eyes was that which Ibiki might have classified as somewhat childish, if not for the fact that Hidan had more than a hundred murders of innocents under his belt.

"Turn yourself in."

Hidan quirked his head to the side, the smiled vanished from his lips, and Ibiki prepared himself for a struggle.

It never came.

"Turn myself in?" He parroted, "Well, okay. But under one condition: I want to be kept under house arrest with my Ibiki-Angel."

 _That_ name had Ibiki flushing minutely.

He coughed, though, and cleared his throat. He couldn't believe this was what his life had become. He was being called pet names by a psychopathic serial killer. And he was allowing it. He was actually allowing himself to be called such things…

As he lamented the route his life had gone down, he noticed just what it was that Hidan had said.

"Wait-what?" He blinked down at the man, only for a large smile to take over Hidan's lips once again. "House arrest?"

"You heard me, Biki-Babe. I'll allow the Konoha fucktards you love so much to catch me as long as I get to stay with you for the rest of our lives." After he had said this, the man leaned up and positioned his mouth right beside Ibiki's ear, "We'll live them all out anyway, so it's fine to play along for now."

Ibiki had no idea just what that had meant. But he had nodded mutely all the while regretting ever having listened to Lord Yamanaka or the Third Hokage. He should have sought refuge at Kamizuki and Hagane's house.

~/~

The Hokage did not allow Hidan to move in with Ibiki.

Hidan swore to kill one prisoner for each day he wasn't with his Biki-Baby.

Ibiki wanted nothing to do with any of them.

… Hidan moved in with seals covering his whole body and a broad smile on his lips, shackles and thick handcuffs keeping him from being able to escape, within a day.

..~..~..

Hope you all enjoyed this! Please review and tell me what you think!


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